If you’re someone who’s really into the NES but knows nothing about the Famicom (which is understandable, I’m not hating), you might wonder why there’s a The Goonies 2, but not a The Goonies 1. And you may start thinking it’s positioning itself as a narrative sequel to the classic 1985 film. Well, that thinking is sort of right but mostly wrong. Because there was a The Goonies 1, but it was only on Famicom and MSX (and we’re disregarding the unrelated microcomputer one from Datasoft). Also, there barely is a narrative in The Goonies 2!

If you want to get technical, The Goonies did hit North America, but it was through the VS Arcade system.

Anyway, The Goonies is actually a prominent little Famicom title. Mikey even shows up in Konami Wai Wai World, a sort of all-stars game that I really should review for this site at some point. What I’m getting at is it’s sort of a mystery why it didn’t come to North America.

NEVER SAY DIE

The Goonies is a story about children. Awful, awful children. It’s the classic story of impending foreclosure, with the only hope being one big score. In this case, it’s their home neighbourhood, “The Goondocks,” and their only hope is finding the treasure of famed pirate, One-Eyed Willy. That sounds like a dick joke, but also one of the kids is named Richard “Data” Wang, so that might be intentional. Also, there are dick jokes in the movie.

It’s a good movie, children aside.

Being an adventure film, there’s room for an ‘80s-style video game adaptation. Personally, I’d prefer a beat-’em-up, but that genre was only starting to sprout in 1986. Instead, it’s an arcade side-scroller. The goal in each level is to find three keys to unlock the exit. You’ll also want to grab the Goonie hidden in each one, otherwise you can’t reach the last level.

HEY, YOU GUYS!

The keys and Goonies are all trapped behind conspicuous, skull-marked doors. Mikey has to drop a bomb in front of each one to open them. Bombs are dropped by rats who also act as the main enemies of the game. You’re also pursued by the Fratelli brothers. You might think that you’d be defenseless, a la Burgertime or Donkey Kong, but Mikey has a pretty effective kick and can pick up a slingshot.

There isn’t much to the game, but it’s a lot more satisfying than it sounds. It helps that the controls feel solid and Mikey’s kick actually works effectively. I don’t know what reduced my standards to the point where “attack works effectively” is something I’m pleasantly surprised by. Mikey’s jumps are ample, and rarely do you need to be careful of your footing.

One of the few things that differentiate The Goonies from other games in the genre is its hidden items. Each level holds a few invisible goodies that are extremely helpful. Most of them make you immune to a specific sort of damage, like water (steam), fire, the Fratelli’s singing, or even boulders. However, there’s one weird trick to getting them.

Each level has its own unique input to reveal the items, and some levels have two. It’s sometimes as simple as kicking near where the item is hidden or pressing “down.” Sometimes it’s a diagonal direction. Stuff like that. You thankfully don’t have to be directly overtop of them, usually. So, it’s a valid strategy to just jump all over the place while mashing directions. Just be careful, because down+B drops a bomb, and if you’re jumping straight up-and-down, you can drop one in midair. Getting caught in an explosion kills you outright.

BOOTY TRAPS

It’s pretty slick. The biggest downside is that there are only six levels, and you can skip one of them rather easily. It’s far from the most difficult arcade-style game I’ve played, so actually completing it might only take a couple of tries, and we’re talking, like, a half-hour for a single run. However, it does loop with an increased difficulty, but if you’re only looking to see the end screen, it won’t take you long. Probably.

It’s fun while it lasts. The graphics are solid, and the soundtrack is enjoyable. It mostly consists of an 8-bit rendition of “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough” by Cindy Lauper, which translates pretty well. The other tracks are unique but similar, creating a rather cheerful vibe. Like jamming cotton candy into your ears.

It’s too bad that we might never see a port, given it’s a licensed game. No wait, I take that back. Jaws just got an enhanced re-release. We could totally see a The Goonies 1+2 collection. Why the hell not? Gosh, realizing that possibility really made my day. More people should play this, it’s just a light, friendly game. It’s good enough for meeee! Aye, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!

7/10

This review was conducted using a Famicom cartridge, through a Honeybee adapter, in an RGB modded NES, upscaled with a Retrotink 4K. It was paid for by the author. Colours in the screenshots might be slightly off because Zoey is too lazy to open the NES up to make sure there’s no crosstalk in the wires.