It’s a bit weird for me to have been excited about Fast & Furious: Arcade Edition considering I haven’t seen any of the movies. Not one. It’s not even a situation where I’ve seen pieces of it on cable TV while visiting my parents; I have no experience with it. No interest.

However, I know of the arcade games “based” on the license. I have “based” in quotes, because I don’t think the games actually have much in common with the movies. They’re more related to the Cruis’n series. In fact, there was a game on Wii called Cruis’n, which was actually a (bad) port of The Fast & The Furious arcade game. These games are done by Raw Thrills (weirdly left out of the opening titles), one of the few companies with the guts to still make arcade games. Further, Fast & Furious was directed by Eugene Jarvis, who was the guy behind the Cruis’n games, as well as Defender, Robotron, and Smash T.V..

Recently, we got a decent port of Cruis’n Blast, which was a pretty good time, even if it was a bit insubstantial. There just isn’t anything like these games on home systems, and that counts for… something.

WHAUGHMP WHAUGHMP! I BOUGHT A FISHEYE LENS

Fast & Furious: Arcade Edition is a weird package. Arcade games these days are loud, gaudy things designed to attract attention. In a way, this is just an extrapolation of how things were back in the golden days, and it creates an interesting juxtaposition next to cinema-esque big-budget games and focused indies.

With that in mind, Fast & Furious is ridiculous. You pick an obscenely souped-up (but licensed) ride and a starting track. It then gives you a mission like “derail the train,” “save the orphanage,” or “get the gold.” For fun, I only made up one of those missions. The other two are really in the game.

Regardless of what mission you’re given, the goal is really to just win the race. First person who reaches the finish line gets to drive into a missile.

The tracks are linear roller coasters. Often, they loop back once and then continue on, but I’m not sure they actually loop. I think they just go through the same scenery twice, as though you completed some sort of lap. I’ve got a really good sense of direction, and I’d swear that most tracks go downhill, never make up altitude, but somehow pass what it supposed to be the same scenery. However, the senses are constantly under assault, and I’m only human, so maybe I’m mistaken.

TWICE FAST TWICE FURIOUS

Like in Cruis’n Blast, the colours are nightmarishly radiant. Cars have bright, glossy paint jobs, and if you win a whole bunch, you’ll unlock upgraded versions with neon strips slapped on.

The tracks all consist of long drops, lots of cliffs, and lots of stuff happening. Helicopters bombard the track, dams burst, trains crash; it all moves so fast that you don’t really have enough time to take it in. It has the same system as the Cruis’n games where, if you double-tap the gas, you can do wheelies or lean onto two wheels. Then, when you hit a car or other jump, you’ll do a barrel roll or backflip. There are power-ups that let you blow away other cars just by getting close to them. Ridiculous.

Steering is almost overly responsive to the point where drifting isn’t necessary most of the time. If you do hit a wall, it will slow you down considerably, so there’s still risk, just not a whole lot of it.

The result is a series of thrill rides. There are shortcuts to hit (some of them marked with conspicuous green holograms), but it feels like you’re constantly being propelled forward, whether you like it or not. Not a lot of thinking is required to reach the finish line.

THE FASTEST AND THE FURIOUSEST

It’s a lot of fun. However, there are some pretty massive issues with the package.

The first is that it’s incredibly insubstantial. As I already mentioned, Cruis’n Blast had the same problem, but Cruis’n Blast added a whole bunch of new stuff into the mix to tune it more than just a straight arcade port. Fast & Furious: Arcade Edition doesn’t really do that. It seems to just be an arcade port. Eight cars, six tracks, the end. No online play, even if you’re into that sort of thing. There is split-screen, however… if you’re into that sort of thing.

Well, not entirely. Getting first on each track with a single car unlocks the “Furious” version of the car, which straps on the aforementioned neon strips and gives you more nitro boosts. If you get first on every track back-to-back, you unlock the “Extreme” version of the tracks, which, as far as I can tell, is the same thing, but the opponents drive the Furious version of their car. Then, if you complete all those Extreme tracks, you unlock “Extreme X2” tracks, and I’m not sure how they’re different. I unlocked an irate car and the Extreme tracks within the first hour of playing it.

After another hour or so, I was up to Extreme X3 and decided it wasn’t worth the effort to see how high that number goes. So, benefit of the doubt, I suppose you could maybe unlock a secret car after Extreme X12, but that seems like a stretch.

BLAST AND BLURIOUS

Unless I’m missing something, that’s all there is to it. Cruis’n Blast had unicorns and dinosaurs to make up for the relatively thin content of the arcade version. Fast & Furious: Arcade Edition is happy with being a port of the arcade game. It even has this weird UX design where, after you complete a race, it takes you directly to the next one without the option to quit back to the menu and pick another car. Or any option at all aside from starting the next track. In fact, you can’t leave until you start the race, where you can bring up the pause menu and quit. And that’s really strange, but it is, otherwise, a solid port, as far as I can tell. Maybe just a bit too literal.

On the other hand, I had to look up the price, and they’re asking for $30!? It’s $40 Canadian loonies. I completely understand that they had to pay for licensing, both for the movie tie-in and the cars, but that seems ill-advised. Licensing typically isn’t worth much to someone playing the game. At best, you might trick fans into thinking it’s related to the movie, but I don’t think it really is. Did Vin Diesel drive into a missile in any of the movies?

It’s a shame, because Fast & Furious: Arcade Edition is a decent game. If you wanted more Cruis’n Blast, this is pretty close. It’s a terrific throwback to the days when racing games were just as often colourful and fun as they were close approximations of the sport. In fact, let’s be clear: I’m really happy that this port exists. Because of the continuously growing chasm between home and arcade games, it’s a rare thing for any of these games to see ports. From a strictly preservation standpoint, this era of arcade games are likely to become endangered in the future.

But that doesn’t make it easier to swallow. If GameMill had taken the Cruis’n Blast approach and added extra challenges and cars, it would be much easier to recommend. If they had tuned the game to offer something more than what you’d get with a pocketful of dollars at the movie theatre, it might be worth it. As it is, the fun in Fast & Furious: Arcade Edition is gone in sixty seconds.

4/10

This review was conducted using a digital PS5 version of the game. It was provided by the publisher’s PR.