I generally enjoy playing bad games for articles like this one. I’m at peace with it. I take these terrible games, masticate, and spit a more quality creation (like this article) into your mouth. I’m a hero. But where’s my parade?

Then, there are times when a game makes me question my decisions. Where I’m just so anguished that my sacrifices just aren’t worth it. If someone walked into the room while I was playing Crazy Frog: Arcade Racer, they would see a pained expression perpetually plastered across my face. Even having separated from the game, lingering sensations maintain a tightness in my chest and a nauseous feeling that crawls up my throat.

By the Gods of Kusoge, what have I done?

THE CYCLE OF SHAME

So, some history first. Crazy Frog was this inexplicably popular media explosion that happened in the mid-aughts. What happened was a Swedish guy made sounds imitating the starting of his moped into his microphone and sent it to his friends, and the file circulated a bit. A different Swedish guy wanted a job in animation, so he used the sound effects to create a little 3D cartoon involving a frog with his dick out starting an invisible moped, which went viral on the internet. An advertising company wanted this cartoon to sell their product. A ringtone subscription company wanted the sound for their ringtone subscription. Then they decided to add these sounds to a song: the theme song of Beverly Hills Cop. This was set to a music video which also went viral. This led to three studio albums of stupid sound being played over covers of existing songs.

Then it was gone. Mercifully.

It was an absolutely cynical commercial push to capitalize on the sudden popularity of a dumb thing. The fad barely brushed me at the time. I remember friends referencing it on odd occasions, I think I heard some of the remixes in proxy, and that was about it.

I know what I know because I watched a documentary where everyone involved are kind of ashamed about it. At best, they justify their crimes with sentiments like, “At least this wasn’t the only thing I did with my life.” It’s really too bad that only artists feel shame and embarrassment, because prideful people have done much worse than Crazy Frog.

And it’s kind of quaint. The internet wasn’t quite as big back when this all went down, so this sort of thing popped up occasionally. Now, the internet is so full of shit that fads like this last about a week. And people consume shit like this at an astounding rate. And I’d say it’s harmless, but if you eat junk food every day, you’re going to get sick and die. But we know more about what we should and shouldn’t put in our bodies and less about what we should and shouldn’t put in our brains. I’m not a psychographer, but I get the feeling that we’re going to be seeing a lot more harm.

Anyway, during this explosion, there were a few games.

THERE ARE WORSE THINGS TO LISTEN TO, BUT NOT MANY

Crazy Frog: Arcade Racer is actually called Crazy Frog Racer 2 in Europe. North America didn’t get the first Crazy Frog Racer, mercifully, so this is like a perversion of the Final Fantasy sequel localization flimflam.

I need to take a breath here. I’m serious when I say that playing this took a lot out of me.

A Crazy Frog racing game seems like the most obvious interactive translation of the music videos, because the ones I saw were both just chase sequences. The character (who is not titular because he’s actually called “The Annoying Thing” and apparently isn’t a frog) also prolifically rides an invisible moped. So, coming up with a better concept would require imagination, which is beyond the scope of a shovelware game such as this.

This might surprise you, but this isn’t the worst cart racer I’ve played. It’s not particularly good, but I’ve played Woody Woodpecker Racing. 

I think I just disturbed myself worse by mentioning that game. My brain probably had suppressed a lot of the unpleasant memories of that blasted woodpecker, and now I’ve just resurfaced them. Sorry about that, subconscious.

ZERO FRICTION

Anyway, there’s a reason why it isn’t that bad: guardrails. The vehicles control remarkably fine, but the tracks twist and turn and undulate wildly. They’re also very narrow, so adding a drift mechanic probably wouldn’t help. However, you don’t lose very much speed when you rub up against a wall, so there’s none of that loss of momentum which is key to a racing game’s challenge, but also adds potential frustration. At least you can fall off the track, but even on the later tracks, I found that to be pretty rare.

It is, however, often difficult to tell when a track has guardrails and when you can just fall off the side. In general, the tracks are awful. Back in ‘06, my roommates and I pulled Trackmania United out of a bargain bin (if I recall, it was bargain price to begin with), and maybe I’m over-valuing myself, but I think I made better tracks than you can find here. These are all just senseless turns and drops flying through generic scenery. I would not be able to point out a memorable track gimmick in any of them. They’re all very interchangeable with no real effort.

But, the guardrails. Since you don’t really need to make much effort to stay on the track, you don’t have to lock in. If there’s one thing that Crazy Frog: Arcade Racer does well, it’s sanding off all the possible friction. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a game with zero friction.

RADIO FRIENDLY

The fact that you don’t have to think too hard about what you’re doing beyond vaguely following the track and hitting the item button whenever you pick something up means that you’re going to be stuck listening to the music.

There are two good ways to do music in a video game. The first is using it to support the atmosphere. In a lot of games, you might barely register the soundtrack because it’s just used to heighten a scene. You probably won’t go back and listen to the OST by itself, but it adds to the overall quality of the game.

The other way is when it’s used almost as part of the gameplay. Streets of Rage, for instance. Or Mega Man. These are games where the soundtrack is almost inseparable from what’s on-screen.

Crazy Frog just wants you to listen to Crazy Frog’s fucking music. Absolutely vapid shit made more asinine by the character’s dumb vocal interjections. I’m not a fan of radio-friendly pop at the best of times, but these songs are some of the worst of it. Easy, repetitive hooks that worm their way into your brain and refuse to leave. It’s bad enough hearing songs like that when you pick up a prescription at the drug store. But because the game itself is so bland, you can’t help but listen in. It’s torturous.

I’LL STICK WITH RADIOHEAD

There are side activities. There are two mini-games, including a rhythm one where you press the face buttons at the right time to make The Annoying Thing dance. It’s innocuous, but also pointless. There’s a “pinball” mode that just sucks. There’s “Chase” which is also pointless. Essentially, in Chase, you drive and try to avoid a cadre of robots who try to blow you up. It sucks so unbelievably hard. The enemies are so ineffective. I did about four laps before I quit because they had only taken off about a fifth of my health. If I kept playing for 20 more laps just to lose one round of Chase, I think my lungs would just shut off in an attempt to damage my brain enough to enjoy it.

And that’s just Crazy Frog: Arcade Racer. It’s a block of nothing, flavoured with a sprinkling of pure pain. Not the worst racing game I’ve played, but one that is so devoid of any personality or creativity that it’s almost shocking. It’s video game gruel. But it’s made so much worse by Crazy Frog’s music. If you’re a child and have yet to develop taste, I guess it might be okay. I just think that children are better off playing Mega Man and growing with the help of some music with actual nutritional value. As an adult, this is just poison.

Now I need to go outside and touch grass.

2/10

This review was conducted on a PS2 Slim using a disc copy of the game. It was paid for by the author.