I’m kind of surprised that Penguin-Kun Wars isn’t a Konami game. I mean, okay, Konami didn’t own penguins. There were other penguin-centric by other developers like Pengo and – I was going to say Binary Land, but I’m now learning it was only penguins in the Famicom version. I think I had another example, but whatever, point is that Konami loved penguins more than most.

They frequently went back to Penta or Pentaro (apparently different characters), who starred in games like Yume Penguin Monogatari, Antarctic Adventures, and Parodius. Weirdly, there’s some belief that he’s actually the same penguin as the one in Suntory’s advertising and the movie Penguin Memory – a penguin who suffers from PTSD related to his time in the Vietnam War. Interesting, if true, but way more specific than what I’m typically willing to dig into to confirm a source.

The point is, Penguin-Kun Wars feels like it’s related to those games, but doesn’t seem to be. Instead, it’s a game from UPL about throwing your balls around.

SENDING BALLS

It’s not dodgeball, though. Penguin-Kun Wars has you doing battle against other anthropomorphic animals in a contest to see who can drain their balls. It’s actually set up in the form of an elimination tournament, but that’s mostly for show since it’s always the same progression of opponents. Each time, you face off against a, uh… Hold on. Is that a mouse? Then it’s a panda. Next is a koala. Finally, it’s a, uh, groundhog. I think?

Each side starts with five balls, and the goal is to put them in the opponent’s endzone. They’ll bounce off each other if they meet in transit, and if your opponent’s balls touch your face, you get knocked onto your back for a short time. You have 60 seconds, and if the time runs out, the player with the most balls in their possession loses. If you manage to completely empty your balls, you get a perfect game and win the round, getting a bonus for each second still on the clock.

It’s simple. The original arcade version had nothing more than a two-directional joystick and a button. That’s all it really needs. You move your penguin over a ball, then press the button to pick up and throw it. It will go at a slight angle if you throw while pushing a direction, but only shallow variations. 

TABLE MANNERS

That maybe doesn’t leave a lot of room to get fancy, but there is some strategy here. For one thing, as I mentioned, getting ball-beaned will knock you down for a few seconds, but at the same time, hitting your opponent puts them out of action, as well. The table is pretty long, meaning it takes even the most direct ball a couple seconds to reach the other end, so actually hitting the other guy is, at least partially, entirely chance. But, if you can do it, it makes for an easy win.

More importantly, if you can bullseye your opponent while they’re already down, it keeps them down for longer, which makes it easier to unload your balls.

However, I wasn’t particularly good at knocking a foe down intentionally or keeping them down, but I can tell you, I’m no slouch at  Penguin-Kun Wars. The technique I used was sort of the same sort of thing I use for scrolling shoot-’em-ups: focus on not getting hit first, shooting second, and accuracy third. Usually, just through accomplishing the first two, I knock my opponent down through luck and win.

Your opponents, however, are cruel. If they bowl you over, they’ll try to continually feed you their balls at regular intervals to keep you down. That’s why I prioritized not getting hit, since later opponents are merciless and getting hit once could mean that you’re not getting back up. However, the table will eventually get obstacles thrown into the middle, and the other players aren’t great at avoiding these, which can save your round if you’re lucky.

It took me a few tries to get the hang of the game, but the moment I broke free of the first round, I won the first tournament, then the second, and then it gets really crazy. On the third loop, a second player gets added to the other side, making it two-on-one. I didn’t last long when got to that point. Knocking down both at the same time is nearly impossible, and even I can’t take that many balls.

PENGUIN-KUN WAR HERO

I was surprised I managed to get that far on the default difficulty. I’ve got some badass ball-handling skills. I bet the arcade manager would have been fiddling with the DIP switches after that conquest. I tried to find out how many times Penguin-Kun Wars can loop, if it even has an ending point, and the only confirmation I could find was up to the double opponents on round 9.

There are bonus rounds between levels, which are kind of trippy because they sometimes take place in space. They involve passing bombs back and forth or playing air hockey with pinball pop bumpers. It’s fun stuff.

The appeal in Penguin-Kun Wars is pretty limited. There’s no two-player mode, and it’s minor variations of what could easily fit as a Mario Party mini-game. It was released in 1985, so it would have shared floor with games like Dig Dug 2 and Green Beret. Paperboy, as well. The fact that it’s simple fun makes it perfect for Quarterholes, since it’s quick and easy to pick up when the mood hits. I really enjoy it, and I think the concept could be taken further, just not far from the doors of the arcade.

Get the fuck out. There was not only a sequel on MSX, but a recent revival on the Switch and PS4. No way. I’m not paying $20 Canadian Loonies for it, but it’s going on the wishlist. It got a physical release!? Shut the hell up.

For Penguin-Kun Wars itself, it received ports on a bunch of different Japanese platforms, including the Famicom. The Game Boy port was the only one that made it out of Japan, titled Penguin Wars. Though, now it’s available via the Arcade Archives series, and for around $10, I’d say it’s worth it.

6/10

This review was conducted using MAME and a ROM of the game. However, the author owns the Arcade Archives version for Switch, which she paid for.