I used to get really excited for game launches back before we became so swamped with releases that a new one stopped feeling quite as special. Pokemon was probably the absolute most excited I got, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion would be close, as would F-Zero GX.

I played the first F-Zero back on my Uncle’s SNES (and probably rented it at some point, as well), but I never thought too much of it at the time. However, I would later buy a Blockbuster pre-owned (pre-rented?) two-pack, which included the now valuable Stunt Racer and F-Zero X. This was right before GX would launch, and I was hooked. So, I became obsessed in the upcoming launch… to the point where I had my mother take me to the store a day early. That may not sound like much of an inconvenience, but this is rural Ontario we’re talking about, and the store in question was a bit of a trip. Oops.

Thankfully, my Mom was gracious enough to take me the next day, and I finally got my obsession. I played it so hard. I became really good at it, toppling some of the hardest challenges and even staff ghosts. Thankfully, not all of that skill has been eaten away by rust.

YOU GOT BOOST POWER!

F-Zero was one of the launch games for the SNES, both in North America and the earlier launch in Japan. While it’s maybe not a tippy-top tier game on the console, it was an excellent showcase of what it could do. The music is exciting and dynamic; it makes heavy use of the Mode 7 scaling layer to create a 3D-like environment, and the colors are extraordinarily vivid. Still fun to play today, which is demonstrated by the success of F-Zero 99.

The N64’s F-Zero X wasn’t trying to impress in quite the same way in 1998. It took on a slightly grittier, cyberpunk comic book-like aesthetic. The music and sound if muffled and growly. The graphics are simple and kind of suck – but there’s a reason for that. The graphical style was simplified so the game could present a grid of 30 racers and run at 60fps to keep up with the high speeds. The result is a fever dream of a game.

F-Zero GX does a lot to clean that up, which is sort of unfortunate. It still has a sort-of cyberpunk aesthetic, but the added horsepower of the GameCube allows it to retain some visual splendor while still running at hyper-fast speeds. It’s helped by the fact that Amusement Vision (the Yakuza/Like A Dragon and Monkey Ball people) had some tricks up their sleeve to squeeze some extra juice. What we wound up with is something much tighter, a little more sane, but still really weird in its own way.

I’M A HERO! F-ZERO!

F-Zero GX is a lot more than it should be. It has a similar Grand Prix mode to previous entries, but it also has a complete clown party of a story mode. On top of that, you can build your own racer and, if you’re really good, can unlock the tracks and racers of F-Zero AX, an arcade equivalent that was developed alongside GX.

The GP isn’t much different from F-Zero X. You start off with three difficulties and three classes, and you can eventually unlock a fourth of each. You also start with most racers locked, and you have to buy the rest. There are the thirty X participants to begin with, but, as I’ve already mentioned, you can eventually get the AX folks.

However, you’ll always be pitted against 29 other racers for a complete grid of 30. Everyone goes whipping along like their gas tanks are full of caffeine. Much of the time, all you see is the bright bloom of their exhaust (a way the game hides low-detail imposter models) as they dart around the track. 

Even if the tracks feature a more grounded aesthetic than you’d find in F-Zero X, you’re still faced with roller-coaster curves that twist around like tangled Christmas lights. Each of the game’s 20 (main) tracks has its own theme that they’re built around, whether that’s a half-pipe-like road or dangerous, narrow offshoots. It’s been years since I’ve played it this extensively, and I still remember each course like it’s the back of my hand. Although, I still struggle in that one section of Big Blue – Drift Highway.

AN OLD MAN’S LAST REQUEST

The best part of the GP mode, however, is the combat. There are two ways to attack other racers. You can do a quick shunt laterally to the sides of your vehicle or spin yourself around to damage anyone you touch. Checking other vehicles is an almost guaranteed kill, while spinning is better if you’re hurtling into a group of vehicles or need to be defensive.

And when I say “kill,” I mean kill. Successfully destroying another racer by hitting them hard enough or knocking them off the track takes them out of the race entirely. Even without your violent influence, a lot of the grid won’t finish the race.

This gives an added level of strategy to the racing since if an opponent doesn’t complete a track, they don’t get any points. The racer who has the most points (aside from yourself) is marked as “rival” during the race, so if you focus on them, you can knock them out and force them down the rankings.

This means you don’t have to win every race. You technically don’t have to win any of the races, you just have to rank high enough and take out anyone who does consistently better. Even without violence, it’s possible to win a category by placing between first and fourth place. There isn’t a heavy reliance on rubber-band AI (at least not in GP), so it’s unlikely one of your opponents will lead the pack in every race. It keeps things dynamic, and even if you’re not favoured, you can always resort to violence.

THE COWARD’S WAY

The story mode is its own beast. There are nine missions, and each presents a different sort of twist on driving. Sometimes, it’s racing, sure. It’s just usually not the focus. One of them has you trying to stay above a certain speed, while another requires you to knock out a bunch of thugs. It’s actually very challenging, especially when you unlock the hard and very hard mode of each chapter. Just getting through it on normal can be a rough time.

But what makes it so strange is that each chapter is bookended by cutscenes. These were extremely lavish at the time, so their inclusion is just inappropriate. F-Zero has always had some story, but it largely begins and ends with “There’s a race in the future.” Many of the racers had short back stories, but some imagination was needed to tell a tale here, and there’s about zero of it on display.

The story follows hunky coverboy, Captain Falcon, and for a lot of it, he’s just trying to ignore Black Shadow’s attempts to lure him into an obvious trap, until eventually he just falls into the trap, and then we wind up where we would have anyway: a race.

Oh, gosh. It’s really hard to describe. Like, everyone drives around in their race car. Black Shadow is just causing explosions at a big power plant. Captain Falcon must take the absolute most scenic route to the scene of the crime. Trap happens. Then there’s a GP. Then, it actually gets more ridiculous from there. There is absolutely nothing to it, and yet they have elaborate cutscenes in each one. And each cutscene has so much detail for 2003. And each cutscene has its own theme music. Immense.

Spoiler alert: There’s an antagonist beyond Black Shadow (you kind of know this from the prologue), and he’s the winner of the Underworld F-Zero Championship. He’s trying to win the championship belt of the… the overworld(?) to combine it with the underworld belt, which will let him destroy the universe. Because he’s evil.

CHAMPION! I’D LIKE TO INTERVIEW YOU!

It’s incredible. The Story Mode feels like a side activity. The real meat is in Grand Prix, but you can tell they spent a lot of budget on the cutscenes for some reason. Beyond that, each racer seems to have their own theme song, which you hear when you unlock their bonus cutscene by completing a category on Master difficulty. Oh, speaking of which, each character has their own absolutely unhinged bonus video for completing a category on Master difficulty. The portraits of the leaders of a given race are shown in the corner at all times, and when they do a spin attack, the portrait spins for some reason. It’s so extra. I would have preferred that they, I don’t know, added more tracks instead, but I’m not going to fault them for wanting to do everything-plus.

It also doesn’t matter, because the important parts are already there and work perfectly. Shigeru Miyamoto has stated (I think a couple of times) that he feels that a new F-Zero would need some sort of extra hook or gimmick to it. Specifically, he said it might need a new controller interface. Guy, with all due respect, we just need a new F-Zero. I know GX is a tough act to follow. I’m not asking for a revelation. I just want new courses and maybe some extra gloss. If you want to make me stare at Captain Falcon’s lavish FMV ass for longer while he spouts generic super-hero shit, I’m down.

Nintendo has given F-Zero some attention lately, which is a bit heartening. They never strictly forgot about its existence with elements of it in Nintendo Land and Mario Kart 8, but recently, they’ve re-released some of the games on their Nintendo Switch Online service, even more obscure titles like F-Zero GP Legend and Climax for the GBA. And then there’s F-Zero 99, which is actually a new-ish entry in the series, but also not, since it’s based on the SNES game.

But we need a re-release of F-Zero GX. Well, obviously, I don’t, I just played through the damned thing on GameCube. It’s just peak. One of the best games released on the console. One of the best racing games of all time. It has Captain Falcon saying, “Let’s settle this at the Grand Prix. Not like this. It’s the coward’s way,” without a hint of irony. We are flying so damned close to the sun.

9/10

This review was conducted on a Nintendo GameCube using a disc copy of the game. It was probably paid for by the author’s mother.