A friend recommended this game to me and Hilltop Works did a fan translation of it. So, thanks, chums. This was weird.

The full name of this game is Ai to Yūjou no Neko Monogatari: Jingle Cats – Love Para Daisakusen no Maki. Hilltop has translated this to A Cat’s Tale of Love and Friendship: Jingle Cats – On a Mission of Love. I’m just calling it Jingle Cats from here on out, because it’s, thankfully, the only game based on Jingle Cats.

Yeah, “based on.” You may have blocked out the memory of Jingle Cats. They were albums of cover songs played using cat sounds. Meowing, mostly. It’s harmless kitsch, really, like that wall-mounted bass trophy that sings. But the fact that there’s a game based on the license is just bizarre. Fittingly, the game is also bizarre.

Wait. Let me see if there was a game based on that bass… Nope, we’re safe.

MEOW~MEOW~MEOW

Jingle Cats is a 1998 PS1 game, though it was also apparently released on PC and Mac. Japan-only, of course. I guess the country really digs its nyans.

It’s a game about getting cats to fuck. No, wait, hold on. It’s about making them fall in love, which is the first step to fuck. Also, they might just want to be friends, which is also the first step to fuck if you’re horny enough.

But, this is still probably not what you’re expecting. It’s not, like, a dating sim. I wouldn’t even call it a life simulator. It’s more of a virtual pet. You’re given this house, you pick a main cat, then you pick the main cat’s partner. Then your goal is to make them play together until they don’t hate each other, and then it’s magic time.

They have four stats, which I’m going to name from memory: Trust, Mood, Hunger, and Hygiene. Something like that. You pet them to gain trust, play with them for mood, feed them for hunger, and bathe them for hygiene, even though most cats hate water (except certain breeds), and typically groom themselves.

So, in order to make magic, you need to get their relationship meters up, make sure their stats are decent, then hit the “love attack” button.

CAT FIGHT

I could probably speedrun this game. Here’s what you do: grab both main cats and dunk them. After a few seconds, the suds around them disappear, take them out of the bath. Drop food beside them and let them eat. Get out the toy wand and waggle it in front of the two of them immediately after they finish eating. After a few seconds, they should go into turbo mode. Drop a yarn ball between them and wait a few seconds for their meter to fill. Immediately hit the love attack. Done. Should be three minutes or less. Some rounds only took me two.

There are only a few complications to this strategy. Sometimes, cats won’t let you pick them up. If that happens, you need to stroke that pussy for a while until it will let you scoop it up and immediately betray its trust by soaking it.

The other problem is that, after the first round, other cats beyond your chosen two will be in the house, and they have to be reasonably happy, too, or they feel neglected and interrupt the love-making. If you work fast enough, this won’t be a problem. I didn’t even know the other cats had to be happy until the very last level. But this just means you have to dunk some more cats and make sure they’re all fed and occasionally stroked.

PET SEMATARY

When you win a round, you get a music video from the Jingle Cats themselves. It begins with a meow-tormented rendition of Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water, and then it’s somehow downhill from there. At one point it’s The More We Get Together. There is also, true to the name of the game, a Christmas song, but while the melody sounded familiar, I didn’t recognize it and refuse to look it up. This might be spoilers, but I find it appropriate that it finishes on Born to be Wild, a torturous earworm that is only partially redeemed by its inclusion in Cool Riders.

But I might have played this game wrong. I played it like, y’know, an actual game. I sped through most of the rounds to get my dubiously musical reward. You might get more out of Jingle Cats if you play it more like a virtual pet. Like you actually care about the cats.

Then it’s just really weird. The art style is incredible. It has a rough, cartoonish look, but it packs in so much detail. Each cat has personalized animations that help communicate their personality, and it’s really enjoyable to watch their interactions. Left to their own devices, they just screw around, break stuff, and murder your goldfish. It’s fun to watch, but I’m game brained and took it on as a challenge.

I dominated that challenge. Absolutely blasted it. Somebody hand me a medal and a high-five.

FIRE IN THE SKY

One touch that I really enjoyed – and this might be a spoiler, but it’s really obvious – is that everything is building up to the introduction to this black cat, Sprocket. You can kind of see him on the cat selection screen, but he’s grayed out like he’s some sort of secret character in a fighting game. And in all the music videos he’s just looming in the background until his introduction. Like this one cat is Big Evil. Hilarious.

You also unlock a freeplay mode after you get all the cats laid. So, if you actually want to play it as a virtual pet sort of game, that’s probably the best way to do it.

But, really, from my perspective, Jingle Cats doesn’t have much beneath its excellent art style and meow-y music. Even if you want a virtual pet, it isn’t a particularly deep one. I think the developer maybe had this belief that all their ideas would come together in a complex and unpredictable way, but instead it’s just flat and uninteresting. You’d probably have a better time just watching the opening attract demo, or watching a video online. Anyway, cats are alright, but I’m more of a dog person.

5/10

This review was conducted using a “backup” copy of the game burned to CD and played on a PSOne. Translation was done by Hilltop Works.