The Attitude Era helped pro wrestling reach new heights in popularity, but it also kind of sucked. It was a distillation of the ‘90s love for the anti-hero; a celebration of assholes. It waved its dick in the direction of tastefulness. It degraded women wrestlers and wallowed in violence and sexuality. That all sounds great, but it was just so dumb. Wrestling is pretty dumb, but the WWF plunged it to new levels of stupidity. Good times.

Honestly, I was secretly jealous of the boys who were into wrestling in the ’90s. As a child, I understood that wrestling was scripted. You look at it now, and it’s hard to believe anyone actually thought it was a real sport. It’s obviously two oiled-up dudes in their underwear embracing in various ways while trying not to hurt each other. Yet I can tell you that lots of kids and even adults often believed it was actual competition. And as a kid, I felt superior in knowing that it’s “fake,” but I think I also realized that was a poor substitute for just liking something that was fun. So, I was envious of those who could actually get into it.

Although, that would have been a bad era to start watching. I’m better off with mid-’90s WCW. At least “Macho Man” Randy Savage was in it, and I’ve intentionally watched advertisements just because he was the spokesperson.

To be fair, the era had the best wrestling games. 2000’s WWF No Mercy on N64 is often seen as the pinnacle of the genre, and I’d agree. 2001’s WWF Betrayal for Game Boy Color is rarely seen at all.

WHERE THE GAME BOYS PLAY

WWF Betrayal is a game by Wayforward Technologies, and before you ask, the answer is: “yes.”

You can actually see some of Shantae’s DNA here, but mostly when it comes to the art. WWF Betrayal is also unique in the fact that it’s not a wrestling game. Instead of greasy beef-mountains grappling in a padded arena, it’s a beat-’em-up more similar to Double Dragon but much, much worse.

WWF Betrayal is an example of shovelware. Shovelware are generally low budget games created to cash in on brand recognition. In the earlier days of gaming, they would clutter store shelves and eventually pile up in clearance bins. Because of their low quality and their seemingly neverending supply, it was akin to publishers just shovelling shit. And while I have a lot of respect for Wayforward, WWF Betrayal is shit.

Personally, I think a wrestling-themed belt-scrolling brawler isn’t a bad idea. I mean, considering Final Fight and Streets of Rage 2 both have wrestling characters, we’re already basically there. If there is no suplex in the moveset, what are we even doing here? So, figure out this one for me: why is there no grappling in WWF Betrayal? Probably because a system that goes beyond “attack crosses collision zone = baddie takes damage” would have gone beyond the budgetary constraints.

I AM THE GAME (BOY)

Yeah, I’m not kidding. There’s no hugging at all. There’s a punch and a kick button. You can’t even jump, but you can dash, for what it’s worth. The only thing that comes close to counting as something you can strategize around is its lame combo system. Essentially, if you land five hits in a row, the sixth one will be your character’s finisher.

In terms of characters, you can choose from The Rock, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Triple H, and The Undertaker. While they’re all great wrestlers, The Undertaker is the only one I care about, and it was during his dumb biker gimmick phase. Like, power to the guy in changing up his gimmick, but motorcycle guy is so lame. The zombie funeral guy was much better.

Plus, none of the characters really look like who they’re supposed to be. They all have the same sort of cartoon proportions, and it’s as if they had starred as bosses in Shantae. They’re all really well-animated. Suspiciously well-animated. It makes you think some effort actually went into the package, but I assure you, that’s the only place it excels.

It’s hard to fully articulate how basic everything is. It’s so basic, it actually harms itself. Enemies have the same priority and range that you do. That means the strategy to beating them is… uh… guessing when the AI is going to throw an attack (which seems to be semi-random) and not approaching them then. There are weapons (boxes and lengths of pipe), and that’s the only time you can really get the upper hand on the enemy. Absolutely no thought was put into how it actually plays.

THAT’S THE POOCHIE ATTITUDE

It’s at its worst during boss battles. The character you pick faces off against the three that you didn’t, which isn’t kind of a cool way to do it. The plot involves Stephanie McMahon being kidnapped and Mr. McMahon asking your selected dude for help, promising a title shot if you rescue his daughter. When it comes to Mr. McMahon, the first rule is to never trust him. Especially not if you’re a woman. But even dudes shouldn’t trust him. At first glance, the plot is just extremely stupid, but that kind of makes it true to a typical wrestling story.

Anyway, when it comes down to facing off against the bosses, that’s when the braindead brawling really gets in the way. There’s very little you can do to not get into a slapfight with them, and if you do wind up just trading blows, you won’t be able to outlast them. The strategy I figured out to win is to approach them, throw a punch as quickly as possible, hope that they don’t attack first or at the same time, and then walk away. You repeat that until your dude throws his finisher, then repeat and repeat, gently whittling them down. You can also dash at them and throw a dropkick, but it does such minor damage that it’s more of a hassle.

The bosses reveal that the AI isn’t actually very intelligent. Enemy routines largely involve moving at random, only moving in on you when you get close enough. Once they’re near, their attacks are, again, as random as a computer can manage. So, they may not perform any attacks (if you’re really lucky), but they’ll more likely just start throwing a flurry of punches and kicks with no particular method behind the madness. Not that it matters, since I believe the two attacks are functionally the same. It’s easy to lose a lot of health since there’s no real room for strategy. It’s stupefyingly not fun.

The normal level fodder enemies don’t help, either. There are your typical brawler dudes who you just feed your extremities to, but then there are some with longer reach. There are also dudes who have, like, briefcases, I think? They open them, and there’s a flash or something, and it hurts your beef-men as though they’re being shot. I don’t even have a guess for what they’re supposed to be doing. The only thing that comes to mind is Reservoir Dogs.

CAN YOU SMELL

The music is up to the standards of the rest of the game. It’s not strictly uncomfortable to listen to, but if you actually tune into it, it’s nonsense. Too bad, because WWF Betrayal could do with at least one win.

But, geez, WWF Betrayal is just rubbish. It feels like Wayforward’s absolute bare minimum. It’s a good reminder that before they became a beloved retro-esque developer, they created a lot of licensed shovelware. But everyone makes bad games before they make a good one, and vice versa. This is not that good game, however. Shantae would come out a year later, and that’s essentially the start of WayForward as we know it today.

At least it doesn’t take long to get through. Six levels. Less than a half-hour. You can replay it with the other characters to get slightly different dialogue, if you really want to. I’d say it ends before it wears out its welcome, but it’s never really welcome in the first place. Well, really, WWF Betrayal is like a door-to-door salesman who stops at your door. They seem pathetic, so you invite them in. And before they even get to their sales pitch, they start screaming, crying, and farting relentlessly until they abruptly explode. It’s a relief that they’re gone, but now you have viscera on your walls and a horrid smell lingering in the air.

2/10

This review was conducted on a GBA using a cartridge copy of the game. It was paid for by the author. Screenshots were captured using a ROM and the SameBoy emulator.