Truly, a beat-’em-up by the dudes behind Metal Slug sounds like my dream game. Or one of my dream games. But it actually happened. While at Irem, Meeher, Akio, Susumu, Kozo, and Hiya (and maybe others) worked on Undercover Cops. And you can, at least when it comes to the art style, completely tell. 

But, uh, I typically don’t like to give away my opinion right off the top. However, there’s a very good reason why Undercover Cops isn’t as well remembered as Metal Slug. Okay, maybe that’s a bad way to put it since In The Hunt isn’t as well remembered, but it’s pretty fantastic. Erm, okay, let’s just say that all of future-Nazca’s personality is on display here, but not their design aptitude. It kind of sucks, is what I’m saying.

No, wait. Hold on. As it turns out, the first time through, I was playing the vanilla international version of the game. Apparently, the version we got over here removed a lot of the moveset and also downgraded the backgrounds for some reason. However, there’s an “Alpha Renewal” version that combines the original Japanese version with the English text. From my research, it’s a legitimate version (not a hack), but was pretty scarce back in the day. Anyway, this is the one you should play. Don’t be fooled by the “world version” like I was.

ASSESSMENT DAY

It all starts with a meeting where the mayor is like, “What we need is vigilantes to beat the shit out of crime.” And then we’re introduced to the characters who are called “City Sweepers.” Man, do it yourself. Who voted for this clown? Mike Haggar would just go out and do it himself like any good mayor. Politicians just aren’t what they used to be.

The first guy introduced is Claude, AKA Lightning Slasher. The intro kind of sets you up to think these are ex-convicts because his biography says he killed a dude with his bare hands protecting his girlfriend. But that’s maybe not the case.

The next guy is Bubba, AKA Fire Ball Crusher. He was a football MVP, but then was “falsely accused” of being a “dangerous man” and banished from the world of football. That’s how the game puts it, “banished from the world of football.” He’s a football exile.

The last member of the City Sweepers is Flame, AKA Blue Gale Revenger. I knew a Blaze in high school, but I don’t know why you’d take a lady named Flame and make her codename have nothing to do with fire. She’s a vigilante, her boyfriend was killed, and she hates evil. Sorry, the only female vigilante, because women can’t usually sweep cities. Something about the shape of their hips.

FOOTBALL EXILE

I’m not sure why this is called Undercover Cops since they are clearly not undercover. Nor are they cops. They’re Overtcover Vigilantes. Either the team was originally gunning for the name “City Sweepers,” or it’s one of those cases where a native Japanese speaker picks something that just sounds cool. Nonetheless, they totally robbed the name from a hypothetical game that actually starts undercover cops.

They’re pretty cool designs. Claude is your typical karate master. He’d fit in with the Night Slashers. However, Mr. Fire Ball Crusher is totally just an all-American football player. He’s got a flat top and everything. His special attack+jump move is to conjure an energy football and spike it into the ground. Amazing. 

Blaze, on the other hand, isn’t your typical beat-’em-up lady. She’s actually wearing quite a few clothes, and she looks kind of like the Terminator 2 version of Sarah Connor. However, her forward+jump kick has her throw her butt at enemies, which is kind of endearing. But she can pick up gigantic concrete pillars with as much ease as the boys. She could throw me around any day. What?

Yes, concrete pillars. Steel girders, too. You find them jutting out of the ground, and you have to pull them out by tapping the pick-up button. Your character can then swing them at enemies like they’re slapping their sibling with a pool noodle. It’s incredible. They break down over time, but what a way to show that your protagonists are blocks of super-beef.

SUPER-BEEF

They can pick up entire cars, too. One weapon that shows up in a pair exactly once are just, like, tuna. Tuna fish. You throw them at enemies. Weird stuff, but easily the most fun part of Undercover Cops.

Because, as much as the Alpha Renewal version makes things a lot less boring, there still isn’t a whole lot of variety. There might be, like, four variations of your standard thug, and the graphics are so busy that I might be mistaking two as being the same. The bosses are interesting but kind of annoying. The first one is neat since, in the second phase of the fight, you can throw him under a pneumatic press, which destroys him instantly if you time it right. However, the hit detection is weird in these fights, and none of the enemies have much of a wind-up for their attacks. You’ll just be knocked back for getting too close, basically. It’s weird, too. The art is not as fluid as Metal Slug, but it’s detailed enough that you’d expect a wind-up in enemy attacks.

And that’s something that I want to bring up, but it’s always hard to find a moment to do so; you can absolutely tell that Undercover Cops was drawn by the people who would move onto Metal Slug. While it’s not as stylized as Metal Slug, there’s a telltale level of detail that is most apparent in the backgrounds. Moreover, the explosions are unmistakable. The backgrounds featuring the city are particularly interesting. We’re told the city is rampant with crime, but the city looks like it’s been through a war.

THE CRASH

What really brings the game down for me, however, is its long-ass final mission. It is protracted. And the background is the blandest in the entire game. It reminds me of the final mission of Metal Slug 3, and I hated it there enough to make it my least favourite of the Nazca titles. You can’t maintain a climax like this in a video game – I can’t preach that enough. It needs to be the crash at the end of a jump. You can make it as spectacular as you want, but it gets softened as it goes on too long. Don’t dull the point.

Beyond that, there are enemies that will attack you from off-screen. There are these flying dudes at certain points that take a good few jump-kicks to bring down, and they seem to like hovering in the margins. But even bosses will backstep off-screen and then hit you if you get too close. It happens a lot and can be frustrating.

It’s pretty obvious that Undercover Cops is not the Metal Slug of the beat-’em-up genre. If it was, it would have been extolled as such. The Nazca folks are legends. They’ve never been well-credited (it would appear that’s partially by their choice), but much of their work is known. So, if Undercover Cops was the real deal, you’d know it.

That’s not to say that Undercover Cops is bad (unless you play the original international version). However, Metal Slug is the best run-and-gun series out there. Undercover Cops is sort of above par. It’s Captain Commando territory. And like Captain Commando, it largely gets by on its personality, with the art team’s detailed, expressive touches heightening the experience greatly.

But, gosh, that last level. Damn. That is one finale that screams, “Empty your pockets, kid.”

6/10

This review was conducted using MAME and a ROM of the Alpha Renewal version. How is this not going to be on Irem Collection Volume 3? Come on, guys.